It is hard to believe that Friday, November 8th, 2019, would be Tommy’s twenty-ninth birthday. It is even harder to believe that this will be the ninth birthday without him. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't get any easier with each year that passes.
Every year I still bake his favorite cake and we light candles and sing happy birthday to him. This tradition may seem odd to some people, but for me, it is an opportunity to actively do something for him. It is a small way for me to continue to do mom things for him.
As his birthday approaches, I have found myself struggling with a new mix of emotions. You see, I have always kept this day free from other obligations. It is sacred ground on my calendar. But this year will be different and I'm wrestling with that.
The culmination of a project I have been part of for the last several months takes place this Friday and Saturday. Being part of the team for this project has been an amazing blessing. I have experienced tremendous growth, healing, and learning throughout the process. I'm very excited to be part of it all, but I must admit that I wilted inside when the date was set for November 8th and 9th.
The sacred ground is about to be violated. In my head, I understand that in the scheme of things, life must go on. There are responsibilities and opportunities in life that we cannot control. But in my heart, I have been struggling to let go and get on board with the situation. On several occasions, I have even considered withdrawing from my role in this project. But deep down in my gut, I don't believe that's the right decision. So, I am committed to seeing this project through, knowing in my head that I will survive, but my heart still feels like it's being ripped out.
Moving on hurts. There is nothing easy about it.
I want to say thank you to my friends and family who continue to hold me up with strong support. I could not continue to take steps forward without you.
Tommy, I love you and miss you. It may be different this year, but you will never be forgotten. Happy Birthday!